Why Youtube plan Failed & Childhood trauma
Yesterday I talked about how i will experiment with youtube and netflix for my study breaks , and my friend Kirat suggested me to take breaks from youtube during study sessions and use netflix at the end of the day to relax yourself and build that old habit of watching tv in the night.
My friend had to leave early in the morning so he crashed at my place and went early morning but i got up cause i had to close the door and he also gave me the 400 rs he owed me a few days early.
So, I get up close the door and pick up my phone and straight up scrolling youtube while lying inside the blanket cause its cold in the morning.
I wasted so much time on the youtube in controversy videos and Norm MacDonald jokes(which are great) and then watch the clip of his friendly comedians paying tribute to him and browse internet for a while and wasted all my time till the afternoon.
In the afternoon i got up by the help of songs and took shower and went out to bring lunch , I brought fast food and while i was coming back, I saw a guy arguing with another person whom i often see on the corner.
The guy was complaining about how he got hit with the scooter and he should say sorry but instead the guy said fuck you and move on with his scooter in his house. This situation got me a bit stressed cause i got a bit scared of the conflict.
Later when i dig deep down , i realised that i am afraid of these situation and my heart starts racing cause of my past trauma, Cause my mom used to fight with our neighbours all the time and i was a little kid , so it used to scare me all the time and i got scared of the loud noises because of that.
When people talk in high pitched voice i get intimidated and last night while listening to an audiobook i realised that this is because of childhood trauma.
I have been seeing verbal high pitched conflicts from the age of 8-9 years old and i always used to scared to those conflicts and the possibility of it turning into a physical voilence (thankfully it never happened) but that's the main reason to this day i get intimidated whenever i find a person who talks loud cause or i see conflict around me
Cause it acts as a trigger for my childhood trauma and my heart starts racing , i have to fix this.
As , for the study i didn't do any study , wasted all time till afternoon on youtube and browsing internet and at lunch that incident happened which took all my attention and triggered my emotions and i was finding deep inside me the reason why i am affected by that incident cause it doesn't even involve me
But at last the got the answer , i was avoiding the most ,those childhood experiences that i had didn't go away they just hid inside me and come out at certain points , and to live my life fully i have to conquer them.
Looking back on my youtube problem after discovering this trauma stuff i think this is one of the reason why i get triggered on youtube easily by opinions and stuff while others like my friend are able to manage it